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I Want to Stop Babysitting
by Susan Stiffelman
How long do grandparents have to provide free child care for a single parent? I love my granddaughter, but I haven't had a weekend off in almost two years. Any advice?
My first response is to offer a blend of “What an incredibly caring grandparent you are” with “Are you crazy?!” Without knowing the nature of the situation, I don't know which to emphasize, but clearly both of these responses are called for to some degree.
Let me assume that your granddaughter’s parent is on a fixed income and is working hard to provide for your granddaughter. Let me also assume that you volunteered to take charge of the child’s day care and that you offered — or agreed — to do this for free.
Many grandparents find themselves in your situation. When grown children go through a break-up — or simply choose single parenthood — it can be difficult to watch them entrust their child’s care to a stranger. This also happens in families where the parents are together and both work. There are many reasons to keep babysitting duties in the family, not the least of which is that day care is expensive.
It's entirely fair for you to approach your son or daughter and let him or her know that you’d like to revisit this arrangement. However, before doing so, I urge you to take your fair share of responsibility for the pickle you’re in.
The rotten thing about saying “yes” to more than you can reasonably do is that eventually you feel burdened and resentful. Make sure you own up to your part so that you don’t unfairly blame your son or daughter for taking advantage of you. The conversation will go much better if you assume responsibility for your end and leave guilt out of it.
There’s a good chance your son or daughter might be upset, hurt, or angry. Be prepared for such a reaction, and do your best to remain calm and compassionate. It’s going to be difficult for them to hear that they’re going to have to find someone else to care for their child, at least part of the time. Don’t emphasize how much you’ve given, or how taken advantage of you might feel. Focus on hearing them out and looking for a solution.
After they’ve said their piece, tell them what you can comfortably offer. Make sure you think this through in advance. Let them know you wish you could do more, but that you’ve realized you’re simply not able to provide the level of caretaking you've done to this point. Offer a reasonable time frame to find either supplemental or alternative care.
And my last bit of advice? Make a point of establishing clear and loving boundaries with your grown kids. In the end, it’s in everyone’s best interest for grandparents to give only what’s comfortable for them, so resentment stays out of the equation.
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139 Answers
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Yes, but I'm needed so what can I do?
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A little bit. I try to keep a balance.
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Not really. I don't babysit much.
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| Good advice.
What oten complicates 'babysitting' is the love we have have for our grandchildren. Even when we want to say no, we sometimes say yes because we love to be with them. They appreciate the love, which makes us glad to say yes.
Balancing is key, The grandparent must know how much time they need for themself. It helps me to have a written schedule; I schedule time for myself and if I want to change it to babysit, I do.
Sometimes though just hearing my granddaughter voice on the phone makes me want to visit her. Ahh the magic of grandchildren!
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| I work for a Child and Adult Day care in Florida. If you are babysitting due to low income, let me tell you there is help out there. The facility I work for is funded in serval ways but two options that are most used for provided child care is funding provided by United Way and also there is funding provided by the Jacksonville, Children's Commision. Be sure to check with agencies in your area. There is relief out there somewhere.
I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Judy
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| I always want to assure my granddaughter has the proper care she needs and deserves and the best way for me to do this is to take on the responsibility myself; in my 4 years of taking care of her I have only said no once. I cannot imagine a week without her, some of MY best vacations have been spent caring for her 24/7 when the parents went out of town and I had her all to myself! A day does not go by that I do not think about her and her well being or the next game/craft we will play or do! Her little arms spread wide running to me saying "Nana's here!" and than me bemding down to her height as she runs into my arms and says "I love you Nana!", nothing compares to the happiness she has given me in my life! So sure I get bored and would like to do things for ME, but that too will come with time when she gets older and no longer wants to hang around Nana so much, but until than I will cherish each and every moment,each and every memory we make together. NanaEmma
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| I work fulltime, am a widow let my daughter and son-in-law know that I was not here to babysit whenever THEY wanted one. I would be glad to babysit when they asked and I could. I shared that I am 60 some years old and don't have the energy I did at 40 and 50. It hasn't been a problem and I see them often, and babysit often enough. The other grandmother had the same feelings so it worked out well.
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| I am getting real close to being burned out. I do it nearly every other week, sometimes more. It's a 3 hr. drive to my daughter's home and I love the boys, ages 4 and 2, but I'm nearly 70 and the drive, expense and energy needed is starting to do me in. Sometimes, I wonder how much I have left in me for all this.
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