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Naming the Grandchild: Who Gets Rights?
by Susan Stiffelman
I would like my grandchild to be named after my husband, who passed away last year. How do I broach this with my son and his wife?
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, and am touched by your desire to perpetuate his legacy through your grandchild. This is a beautiful tradition, and one that many cultures incorporate into the life cycle so the memory of loved ones can live on.
While I would love to see your son and daughter-in-law consider your wishes, you cannot require them to fulfill your desire. For parents, naming a child is a deeply personal process, and there are other factors that could be important to them that you may not know.
For instance, your daughter-in-law may have the wishes and traditions of her own family members — living and passed on. She may have dreamed of particular baby names since she was a little girl. And of course your son may also have ideas about what name he would like for his child.
It would be best to approach the issue with your son and his wife gently, lovingly, and without any coercion. What you’re proposing can be expressed beautifully, if you deliver the request tenderly from your heart, and without insistence. Speak respectfully, letting them know that you would like them to consider naming this grandchild after your husband, and then give them the time and emotional space to digest what you’ve said.
I cannot overemphasize the importance of refraining from imparting any guilt or shame if they seem unwilling to do what you ask. I realize it may be difficult to be detached when this feels so important to you, but the more you can be in an emotional state that blends deep caring with reason, the greater the chance the child’s parents will be able to respond honestly.
Take a genuine look at what you would make it mean if they decline your request. It could be tempting to turn their “no” into a drama, replete with shaming and blaming. No one would be served by that maneuver. If they don’t want to name their child after your husband, can you think of reasons why that might be the right decision, even if it goes against your feelings and wishes? It's possible that they simply may not like your husband’s name. Number two, your son may — or whatever reason — be uncomfortable bringing his father’s presence into his day-to-day life. Finally, they may have a name in mind that they both dearly love.
If, for whatever reason, they say “no,” please don’t make it mean something else, or take it personally. If they decline, you might suggest they consider remembering your husband with your grandchild’s middle name. But allow the right choice to be made by your son and his wife. It is an enormous decision, and one they need to be happy with forever.
Best of luck to you in your healing, and congratulations on the arrival of this new, sweet life. Above all else, enjoy this new child’s presence; regardless of what name is ultimately given, he or she will undoubtedly bring beautiful qualities of your husband to life for you all.
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66 Answers
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Yes, and it's a joy.
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Yes, and I hate it.
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Yes, and it was an issue.
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No, and I'm pissed off about it.
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No, thankfully.
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| My grandson carries my late husband's middle name and it makes me really happy!
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| My granddaughter, aged 11, "had" my name as her middle name, but when her parents got mad at me and wrote me out of their lives, they changed the middle name and the last name of all their children, including their own to my son's father, who walked out on them when he and his brother were babies. My heart breaks on a daily basis... but I still love my granddaughter and only wish I were allowed to see all of them.
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| Yes and it was none of our business.
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| Yes and it was none of our business.
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