My Granddaughter Has No Manners

My 11-year-old granddaughter does not have good manners. When I introduce her to my friends, she doesn�t know how to shake their hands and say hello. What should I do?

If I had a choice between my son attending a prestigious university or having good manners, I'd pick the good manners — that’s how much I believe they matter. I’m not talking about the importance of knowing which fork to use for dessert or the proper way to curtsy for the Queen. I’m referring to knowing how to help people feel comfortable in our presence.

The basis of good manners is common sense and respect for others. True etiquette is simply helping others feel at ease when they're around us. What I hope you're concerned about is your granddaughter's ability to have the self-assurance to interact with whomever she meets, and the confidence that comes from knowing how to navigate social situations.

Naturally, the best way for a child to develop good manners is to teach by example: speaking politely, serving others before ourselves, and using please, thank you, and you're welcome in daily life. But not all children learn this way, and not every child has adults around them who model social graces. By the way, this doesn't mean that her parents are ill-mannered. If her parents have chosen not to insist that she greet guests in a particular way — as many parents do — she will not develop the habit herself. In addition, she may feel shy and awkward around new people.

“True etiquette is simply helping others feel at ease when they're around us.”

As her grandparent, I see nothing wrong with you taking the bull by the horns, and teaching your granddaughter a bit about etiquette. It might be relatively easy — and even fun — to help her learn the basics.

But avoid making it a big deal, lest you make her overly self-conscious or fearful of doing the wrong thing when she meets your friends. Rather than lecturing her about the do's and don'ts of meeting and greeting, make up a game to help her learn. Pretend she’s Princess Opalocka and your cat is Madame Fiddlewidget. Whisper in your granddaughter's ear, as if you’re her attendant, and coach her on what to say.

"Your Majesty, may I introduce you to Madame Fiddlewidget, the matron of The School For Giggly Girls, located down the road from your castle."

After the introductions, handshakes, and smiles, coach her through a moment or two of small talk.

"Madame Fiddlewidget, I understand you've recently had kittens. Congratulations! Please tell me, how are they doing?"

You might even demonstrate, with a bit of drama and fanfare, what not to do, so she can get a feel for the impact of refusing to make eye contact, or commenting on Madame Fiddlewidget’s fish breath.

Catch your granddaughter in the act of using what you're teaching her, and offer her positive feedback, especially if one of your friends says something nice after meeting her.

As much as it might be fine to include her parents in this process, it isn't essential that you do. If you or your granddaughter choose to let them in on your "etiquette classes," there’s no need to do so in a way that suggests Mom and Dad have done something wrong. This can simply be a special learning experience you share with your granddaughter, one she may someday thank you for initiating.