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A Grandmother's Triumph in the Courtroom
by Lynne Gilman
After two years spent fighting petitions, Lynne and Alan wanted to give up. Instead, they found the courage to gain full custody of their grandchild.
I never imagined becoming a frequent visitor to family court. Until eight years ago, I didn’t even know where the courthouse was located. But during the grueling two and a half years that my husband, Alan, and I fought for custody of our granddaughter, Alexis, we memorized every crack in its dingy floor. Blindfolded, we could have traversed the entrance hallway and found our seats in the main waiting room, nodding commiserating hellos to former strangers whose faces we could paint in the dark. Within those walls we waited, and waited, and waited.
How It Began
Our daughter, Rachel, was 20 years old when she gave birth to Alexis. Involved in an unstable marriage and emotionally unable to care for a baby herself, Rachel welcomed our offer to raise her little girl.
When she came to live with us, Alexis was two weeks old. As she approached her first birthday, friends began asking what legal arrangements we had made. Naïvely, we thought Rachel’s consent to have us raise her daughter overrode the need for legal documentation. It didn't.
We filed for custody of our granddaughter. Or rather, we began a process that would end up taking longer than we ever imagined.
Step One: Filing a Petition
The world of family court was uncharted territory to Alan and me. We expected a relatively simple and quick resolution to our petition for custody. Step one: Petition the court. Step two: Wait for a judge to sign an agreement. After all, Alexis already lived with us. Our granddaughter's father, Frank, had monthly supervised visitation privileges (that he only sometimes showed up for). We couldn’t imagine he'd stand in our way. We were wrong.
The courthouse opens at 9 a.m. We arrived at 8 a.m. Our plan was to return to work within hours. We emptied our pockets, walked through the metal detectors and scanners. We signed in, and stood. There were no seats in the waiting room.
Hours later, our appointment at the cubicle arrived.
A harried-looking woman, amid impatient sighs and rude glances, handed us a four-page petition to complete. We scrawled our names, addresses, and Social Security numbers. We flashed Alexis’s birth certificate. With one swift strike of the pen, we checked off the box indicating permanent, not temporary, custody.
In a nearby room, our petition was notarized and authenticated. We had a file number. The request was official.
“You’ll be notified by mail,” said our clerk, brusquely.
“Yes, but when?” we asked.
"There’s no way of knowing," she said.
The Battle Begins
Six weeks later, we received our next summons to court. Lawyers were appointed to Alexis’s parents — neither could afford to hire one. Our granddaughter was assigned a law guardian. Her job was to protect her interests in the fight for custody. Whenever the judges asked Rachel's lawyer to research custody questions, or make a visitation decision, the law guardian was consulted. Though the law guardian never contested anything, she had to be present at every court appointment.
Rachel’s lawyer, a 25-year family-court-system veteran, was never without an overflowing attaché case and armful of books. He was overloaded with cases. And yet, he supported us through the ordeal. Technically, he was our daughter’s lawyer. But he represented the two of us, as well, since Rachel had agreed to our raising Alexis. Before each court appearance, he conferred with us, without fail.
Forks in the Road
Alexis’s father resisted. He filed at least 20 petitions for visitation — more visits, less-restricted visits, cheaper visits — anything to delay the process. After he filed a petition, we'd receive a copy in the mail requesting lawyers, law guardians, parents, and grandparents to appear in court. The logistics involved in getting everyone in place were daunting.
The custody process dragged on into its second year. At times, we looked around the waiting room. We saw couples with sad and dejected faces, crying babies, bored toddlers. I wondered, “Is this ever going to end?”
I consider myself a strong and determined person, one who deeply believes in happy endings. (My nickname? Pollyanna.) As months passed, I tried hard not to get discouraged. When my resolve weakened, I pictured my granddaughter's face. I thought about my three daughters. Alan and I had strived to give them a secure upbringing.
Without an iota of doubt, I knew the safest, most secure place for Alexis to grow up was with us, her grandparents. I trusted that there was no way anyone would stop us from gaining custody of her.
At last, every one of Frank’s endless petitions was denied.
At last, we made some headway.
Home Free
After more than two long years, an end was in sight. We received a court order requesting our presence at a custody trial. Lasting just 30 minutes, this would be the final step in the custody process.
That day, we were nervous, even frightened — neither of us had sat on a witness stand before. Would the judge grill us, a la Law & Order? Alan and I were called to the witness stand.
Describe Alexis’s life with you, requested the judge.
Our granddaughter was a happy and secure little girl, we said. We told the court about her nicknames for us (Neema and Pa) and her black-and-white cockapoo, Caesar, that she loved.
We described her confidence as she tap-danced her way through her first dance recital, and the beaming pride she felt when she brought home pictures from nursery school. We talked about our big family of loving aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. It felt wonderful, we said, after having a nearly empty nest (we still had a teenager at home), to be raising a child again.
Rachel, the law guardian, and lawyers sat listening. Alexis’s father was not there.
Time passed slowly.
The judge then returned and granted us full custody of Alexis without awarding any visitation to her father. Tears of relief filled my eyes. Alan squeezed my hand, his own fingers shaky. We smiled at each other in exhausted delight. Outside the courtroom, we hugged everyone. We shook each other’s hands. The outcome we had waited for was finally a reality. The ordeal was over.
Six weeks later, we received the final court order in the mail.
Alexis, now 9, is a contented, well-adjusted little girl. Alan and I can’t imagine our house without her gap-toothed smile, quirky sense of humor, and silly jokes that make me laugh so hard they make my eyes watery. She and I watch High School Musical 2 and Hannah Montana together. We dance around the living room. Our custody battle was long. It was exhausting. But when I kiss Alexis goodnight, I am joyful that she is legally, unequivocally ours — that she is exactly where she belongs.
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| Hi Everyone: My name is Susan Avery and I'm not only the Senior Editor here at Grandparents.com, I have the privilege of being a cousin to Lynne, Alan, and Alexis. Thank you for telling this heartfelt and courageous tale. You are the family heroes!
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| Congratulations! I have personal experience with Family Court, and know how hard it is to maintain your composure while the system plods along at a glacial pace in its own often unfathomable manner.
I have nothing but respect for those who work within the system, even when I've often disagreed with them.
The child's legal representative you speak of is commonly know as a "Guardian ad Litem". I urge anybody who has the inclination to look into participating in this very important capacity. You don't need any legal or social service background, and, unfortunately, there's always a great need for more help everywhere. Check out: http://www.nationalcasa.org/
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| I wish I had gotten permanent custody without visitation. My three year old granddaughters father received supervised visitation with the supervisers being his girlfriend and a friend of hers who are both about as smart as a donkey. Her father is a heavy pot smoker and has severe anger management issues - I have seen his temper and I am concerned about my granddaughter's safety in his presence. I feel the judge just got tired of seeing our faces and made this judgement without considering the childs safety, because on the stand all of the father's witnesses lied about his anger management issues.
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| Thank you for sharing your experience and congratulations, all the best to you! I hope my situation turns out as well!
Currently I am in the court process of custody of my 4 month old Grandson, who has lived with me since my daughter and he came home from the hospital. CPS became involved after she was caught sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night with the baby only 4 weeks old. She currently does not live here, but has been placed into foster care (she's 16) due to her actions, after being arrested 2 times then released to a safe house which she ran away from. My Grandson's father is another story; he was arrested shortly after we found out my daughter was expecting because of the age difference (he was 18/19, she 14/15). To complicate matters more, my daughter's father whom I left and divorced in 1996/1997 because of his abuse towards the children and me is back into the picture and she may live with him! My daughter has ADD and depression but refuses to take medication or go to counciling.
I feel this will be a long battle but the safety, sability and security of my Grandson is well worth it!
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| Hi Lynne and Alan,
My name is Jeannine, I am a 39 year "young" Nana to two BEAUTIFUL baby boys! Their names are Skyler and Malachi ...
Skyler just turned a year old on May 30 and Malachi was just born on June 21st ... They were both premies - Skyler, 1 month and 1 week early, and Malachi 2 months premature ... Malachi is currently in the Cincinnati Children's Hospital ... He was born with his lungs underdeveloped and jaundiced ... He's doing better now (the last I was told) ...
Now the story ...
My daughter is 20 and her ex. (the father), is 23 ...
Skyler was taken from daughter right from the hospital (btw, they are all in Kentucky and I am in Michigan), because the "home" my daughter had was not fit for a dog to live in, let alone a human being!
The people she hangs with are not the type you want to bring home to meet mom, and she calls them her friends and says they care for her ... They drink, smoke, and talk vulgar and listen to vulgar and nasty music!
I believe my daughter had the babies so early, because of her lifestyle! She was smoking still, and drank, and didn't eat right or take her prenatal pills like she was supposed to ...
I found out today when I tried to call and see how Malachi is doing, that I was not able to find out, because the CPS put restrictions on who can call now ... THAT REALLY has me TICKED OFF!!!!
They have dug their claws into him before ANYONE has a chance from the family (my daughter or I), could even do anything!!!
I know my daughter loves her children, just doesn't have the mentality to care for them right now and isn't doing ANYTHING to prove the she can ...
I know from last year when I was living down there (moved to be by her and to try and get custody of my 1st grandson), that I have NO VOICE in Ky.! Even when I did good things (things that neigher my daughter or the father did or thought of doing), but it was not brought up to the judge, only past and my mental health issues and other things that didn't look good (from my past) was brought up to the judge!
Never mentioned how I was the only one who went to see him for almost two or three months straight (by myself - not Tianna and no Chris)! Chris was in jail and Tianna had head lice (FOR the whole TWO or THREE months that I was going to see HER son) and didn't do what was needed to get rid of it and keep it gone!
*sighs*
Skyler is in the foster home and the adoption process has begun - I WANT TO STOP IT and I WANT HIM HOME with ME~! Now Malachi is in the system too and he's not even out of the hospital yet!
I want to get custody of my grandsons, PERMANENT custody of him, because my daughter obviously doesn't want her sons as bad as she says she does!
I have for the past few days, (well actually for the past two years), tried to get her to do the right thing and STEP up to the plate - HER PLATE!
Yesterday while on the phone with her, I looked up places for rent for her in her area, I also looked up jobs for her in her area ... I told her on Sunday, since now she is not pregnant, she can go get a job and work towards getting her place for her and her son, before they take him too (or something to that affect) ... I basically have been telling her what to do and how to do it and she has NOT been listening!
She would rather punch walls and lay around the house than do what her mom (WHO LOVES HER MORE THAN ANYTHING) tells her to do! I have told her about going to the unemployement office and find work there, I have told her about the jobs available and that she needs to go to the unemployment office to get the apps. for them) ...
I had her write down a couple of different places that are for rent, and I don't know, but doubt that she has even called on them (knowing her) ...
Last year, all she had to do, to get and keep her son, was to sign up for and start participating in parenting classes, get a psych. eval. done, and get CLEAN and DECENT housing for her to be able to bring a baby home into! BUT, she didn't "FEEL" she needed to do ANY of that, because she "DIDN'T NEED TO"!
Or because "SHE DOESN'T NEED IT"!
She doesn't understand WHY she needed to and didn't feel she had too and so didn't!
There for, she has lost her son!
I need help on getting those boys BACK into the family and HOME, HERE IN MICHIGAN, with FAMILY THAT LOVES THEM!
Is there ANYONE else that has case like this (a grandparent that lives out of state and has grandkids in ky.?)
I thought their whole "policy" was to "keep the family together"? WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT????????
They don't care, because they think they are "HOLIER THAN THOU"! That's the attitude they have - MORGAN has this sweet and "innocent" attitude, but in REALITY she is STABBING YOU in the back BEHIND your back and THEN SLAPPING you in the FACE!!!!
I a sooooooooo upset (as you could not tell!!!)
I missed ALL of Skyler's "FIRST" so far and HATE that I have! I do NOT want that to be the case with Malachi too!
Please, can somebody HELP ME???????? PLEASE?????????
Thank you,
Sincerely, Jeannine
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