Supporting a Fertility-Challenged Couple

In my early thirties, my parents were so eager for me to get married that my father once answered a personal ad on my behalf. Five years later — after I'd found a husband on my own, thanks! — my parents were just as eager for me to get pregnant. But this time, instead of overstepping their bounds, they gave me space.

"We're here if you need us," said my dad, realizing I was not in the market for parental advice. Turns out, when genetic testing showed that my 39-year-old eggs were kaput, I did need my parents for financial help and encouragement. Today, after undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF) with eggs from a donor, I have healthy, 8-month-old twin boys and, as a wonderful bonus, a healthy relationship with my parents.

I've been lucky. Reproductive difficulties can complicate family dynamics. Often, the struggling couple feels isolated and emotionally drained, and their parents may inadvertently compound the stress.

"If [prospective] grandparents aren't careful, they risk shifting their relationship with their child for the worse. Your child may decline to share information if you tackle the subject with unwitting and insensitive comments," says New York City therapist Helen Adrienne, an advisory-board member of the nonprofit InterNational International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination. "But if the child feels respected and supported, fertility struggles offer an opportunity to shift a relationship for the better."

Infertility is no small issue — affecting about one in eight couples, or 7.3 million women each year, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Here's a field guide on what to do and what not to do when your child is grappling with fertility.

DO: Educate yourself. Your child may not have the time or energy to teach Fertility Treatments 101. Plus, talking about it can be tricky if you didn't grow up spouting terms such as embryo transfer and intrauterine insemination. "It's like traveling in a foreign country and not knowing the language. And it's tough to know how to approach a topic with which you're unfamiliar," says Sharon Covington, director of psychological support services for the Shady Grove Reproductive Science Centers of Metropolitan Washington, D.C. (Read Grandparents.com's sidebar 8 Fertility Treatments Explained to bone up on the science and psychology of fertility treatments.)

DON'T: Interrogate your child. You may be itching to ask: How much does treatment cost? What are the odds of success? Will you have triplets? Are you sure this is the best treatment? How long will it take? Going overboard and asking questions your child may not have answers to — and be wondering about herself — may lead her to shut you out completely. "Instead say, 'You don't have to tell me if it's not something you want to discuss,'" suggests Naree Viner, 40, a Los Angeles fertility patient. "I assure my parents that this is our top priority as a couple… and to trust that when there's good news, we'll let them know!"

DO: Listen, rather than make comments that could be hurtful. If you have concerns — whether you could love a grandchild conceived via egg or sperm donation, or if in vitro fertilization is "unnatural" — explore them with your spouse, a trusted friend, or a therapist on your own instead of revealing too much apprehension to your child. "Try saying 'Mmm' a lot or, 'Help me understand why this makes sense to you,'" suggests Adrienne.

DON'T: Utter this: "Just relax. Everything's going to be fine." Zoe Cohen, 39, an acupuncturist in Oakland, Calif., and now a mother of twin boys conceived through IVF, says the best thing her mother did while she was trying was "[allow] me to vent my anger and frustration. She stayed positive, but didn't minimize my feelings."

DON'T: Blab to all your friends. "This is very precious information. It's not to be put up on the flagpole," says Adrienne.

DO: Explain that your help, financial or otherwise, comes without strings. Some couples decline much-needed financial assistance because they worry their parents will feel entitled to know every detail of the treatment or influence decisions. "Put the offer out there on the table and let the couple feel like they have the control to decide," says Covington.

DON'T: Offer unsolicited advice. Says Adrienne: "Avoid running in the door saying, 'I spoke to my friend. She said Dr. So-and-so is the best.'" Rather try: "I'm sure you're doing everything in your power to find the best doctor, and I'm here if you need me.'"

DON'T: Shield the couple from news of other people's pregnancies. They'll find out anyway, says Covington, "and the idea of trying to protect them becomes punitive, making the couple feel they're at fault or to blame." Just be sure to share the announcements in a kind and sensitive manner. At the same time, be understanding if the infertile couple decides not to attend child-centered gatherings.

DO: Spend as much time with your fertility-challenged child as you do with
your other children. "You don't want your child to think, 'They're always going to my sister's place because she has children,'" says Adrienne. "Create a space where your child can feel special. Do something that removes the pressure, like going to the movies."

DON'T: Pressure your child. "My parents sometimes make me feel like I must not be doing enough," says Viner. "I wish they would acknowledge that this isn't solely about effort. A lot of it is luck."