The Italian Grandparenting Experience

Making a good sauce is one thing. But imbuing a love for the culture goes well beyond the kitchen.

In the middle of the day, Alfred Affinito stood over a pot, stirring his pasta fagioli, the classic Italian soup made with cannellini beans, for that evening’s dinner with seven members of his family.

“I’m considered the cook in the family,” he says with just a hint of pride. “Spent two days looking over recipes before deciding on what to serve tonight.”

Affinito, who says his surname in Italian means “he has finished,” has used his culinary know-how well. The 79-year-old grandfather from California says the art keeps the family together, and he devotes ample time to passing along the skills to his grandchildren –– Carina, 23, Cassi, 19, and Vincent, 17 –– who live near him in Pittsburg, northeast of San Francisco.

But cooking is just one way Italian-American grandparents bring their grandchildren close in a culture, he says, that is anchored in family, hard work, and community.

Affinito, the son of Italian immigrants and national president of the Order Sons of Italy in America, the largest and oldest national organization for men and women of Italian heritage, talked to Grandparents.com about how he’s worked to keep his family linked to the culture of his parents and grandparents.

Grandparents.com: With each new generation, a family’s distinct ethnic identity and ties to the old country may grow more tenuous. How have you kept your Italian-American traditions alive for your grandkids?

Alfred Affinito: Two years ago, the entire family rented a home together on Lake Como in the north of Italy. We were there for a month. We took tours of the cities, covering all the museums and churches. Every town introduced the kids to some facet of culture, history, and language. My grandchildren really loved Italy and the Italian way of life. My oldest granddaughter took on the role of interpreter, happily trying out her Italian. Indeed, she may have outshone her dad on that count.

GP: Are you planning to return?

AA: Yes, we’re planning a roots-trip next to the family homestead in Foggia. I made this trip 25 years ago with my mother and father and want to do the same with my kids and grandkids. We’re hoping to gather material for a book while we’re there, go to the church and municipal office and get copies of birth and marriage records, visit the cemetery to photograph family tombstones because they have pictures on them. My grandkids will have something they can share with their children and grandchildren.

GP: You sound very close.

AA: Family has always been at the center of Italian-American life. My grandparents had a wonderful partnership. My grandfather was the strong one. My grandmother was more loving and moderate. She let her husband do the talking but usually worked things around to her way. They were a great combination and lived only a couple of doors away when I was growing up. My grandmother was almost a surrogate mother, because my mother was working all day in the grocery store they’d started. My grandparents and parents spoke Italian and we kids spoke English. So everyone learned both. Every Sunday, the whole family had dinner together. All the aunts, uncles, cousins.

GP: Do you continue this tradition?

AA: In this day and age, we can’t see each other every Sunday. But I see my grandkids quite often, having family dinners like tonight. It’s very important to all of us. Cooking presents a great opportunity for the Italian-American to keep their family close.

GP: I noticed that you go by the name Alfred. Is your real name Alfredo?

AA: My parents were interested in becoming American, and so by common usage I’ve gone by the name Alfred. I’m not quite certain which version appears on my birth certificate.

GP: Have you done anything else to give your grandkids an appreciation of Italy’s rich history and cultural heritage?

AA: As the grandchildren were growing, we made sure the family watched films like De Sica’s The Bicycle Thief. And Benigni’s Life Is Beautiful. I also enrolled my oldest granddaughter in a program sponsored by the Sons of Italy, visiting the U.S. Capitol to see Brumidi’s murals. And the music, we always have Italian music playing at home, Caruso and Butti. My grandfather knew Caruso personally. He visited my grandfather’s restaurant. I can’t say the kids appreciate the songs as much as I do, but they know about them.

GP: How have you addressed the stereotyping of Italians with your grandkids?

AA: I believe in facing it head-on. The movie The Godfather is in many ways a work of art and I accept it as that. But all movies are fictional. The Mafia represented a small minority of the population and made no real contribution to the American way of life.

GP: Tell me about the concept of hard work. What does that mean to you?

AA: Italian-Americans have a great sense of discipline, respect, and responsibility. I saw it in my parents and grandparents. My father came from Italy, where he’d spent a year as an apprentice for a tailor. Here, he learned to repair cars, learned to butcher, and handled plumbing, electrical and refrigeration problems. What a mechanical brain. The ingenuity of so many Italian-Americans who learned from actual work when they had little formal training. When I was 7, I worked the cash register in the family store. And I was the first one in the family to go to college, so I worked hard to do right by my family. I’ve tried to show my grandchildren through my actions to have the same responsibility and respect. To want things to be done correctly.

GP: Do you believe grandparents in Italy are different from those in America?

AA: No. They think the same way. The close relationship is in-bred. It’s part of their upbringing. These young Italians had the courage to leave their homeland and come to a foreign country with no knowledge of the language. They worked with immense pride. I want my grandkids to do just as well and be proud.