Ask GrumPa - Grandparents.com

Dear GrumPa,
My son informed me that his wife is pregnant. I am like way too young and pretty to be a granny. What’s a girl to do?
Like Way Too Young

Dear Like Way,
You’re not alone. Most of us are way too young to be grand-anythings. Short of recommending your son get a divorce, which would take you out of harm’s way, I’d say your options are few. But you may want to try this: After the baby is born, put your hair up in braids, wear short skirts, and speak with a slight brogue. Voilà, you're now Bridget, the kid’s Irish nanny.

Dear GrumPa,
My daughter lives far away and we don’t get to see our grandchildren, except to celebrate a few holidays. How can we see the kids more often?
Starved for Them

Dear Starved,
Obviously, the solution is to find more holidays to celebrate. There are hundreds you can choose from for your planning purposes. Here are a few to start you off: In February, you can celebrate Random Acts of Kindness Day. Middle Name Pride Day is in March. July has the oxymoronically named Moon Day. In January there's Trivia Day. April has one of my personal favorites: Rubber Eraser Day. Imagine the fun you can have with your grandkids, planning and celebrating such exciting historical moments. You could make a giant papier-mâché eraser with the kids. Or, how about a marathon game of Trivial Pursuit at the beginning of the year? The possibilities for seeing your grandkids are limited only by international designation days.

Dear GrumPa,
The only time we see the grandchildren is when we take them, my daughter, and our no-good son-in-law on vacations, which we have to pay for because he pleads poverty. They are far from poor, with a big house, two cars, and a country-club membership.
Sick of Shelling Out

Dear Sick,
Don’t stop vacationing with the clan. Just take a more nuanced approach. On future trips, make sure you and the grandchildren always have first-class accommodations. First-class airline tickets, hotel suites, top-of-the-line cabins on cruise ships. Everything. And make sure you book your daughter and no-good son-in-law with the lowest possible level of accommodations. Explain that since you'll be watching the kids, you need the extra creature comforts. On the other hand, the parents can have their alone-time away from the rest of the family. Coach, preferably with center seats. A teeny room. Lowest deck cabin, etc. If NGSIL complains and wants to go first class, tell him to pay the difference. No doubt he'll back off and you'll be golden with the grandkids, who probably don't want to hang out with their parents, either.

Dear GrumPa,
My young granddaughter uses foul language with her parents. I am reluctant to say anything in front of her parents since I don’t want to meddle. What can I do?
Lost for Words

Dear Lost,
I guess washing out her mouth with soap went bye-bye when all those child-abuse laws kicked in. I would take the child aside and, in a very non-threatening, calm tone of voice, tell her that every time she uses a bad word in front of you, $100 will be deducted from her college fund. Then carry a little notebook and actually keep score, making sure she sees how her college fund is shrinking. If that doesn’t do the trick within four to six months, take your chances with jail time and wash the kid's filthy mouth out with soap.

Dear GrumPa,
My teenage grandson wants to be an investment banker. He dresses in baggy jeans, dirty T-shirts, and has his hair gelled in multi-colored spikes. How can I make him understand that he will never get a banking job dressing that way? Oh, yes, and he’s talking about getting a nose ring and a few tattoos. What can I do?
Sartorially Confused

Dear Confused,
Don’t eat your heart out. If he really wants to be an investment banker, he will eventually discover Brooks Brothers or J. Press. But meanwhile, check out the internet and look up the high-school graduation pictures of the very rich and very successful: Bill Gates, Donald Trump, Oprah Winfrey, etc. Dorky teens all. Just make sure his tattoo is on a discreet body part. If you offer to get one with him, that may be enough to stop the pursuit cold.

Dear GrumPa,
My 16-year-old grandson is driving my daughter crazy. He talks back, stays out late, refuses to study, and is, in general, a total pain in the neck. It reminds me a lot of what I went through with his mother when she was a teen. What can I do?
End of My Rope

Dear End,
Do nothing! I repeat: Nothing! This is what I call pay-back time. When your daughter was giving you fits back in her teen days, what did you say to her? Wasn’t it something like: “Just you wait, young lady! Some day you’re going to have children and I hope they give you the same grief you’re giving me!” You did say that, right? Well, it's happening! Pay-back time. Rejoice. Savor it. As a matter of fact, join your grandson in the fun. Just make sure you're home by midnight or else you'll have to suffer Grandma's wrath.