Grandfathers - What do your Grand kids think?

Like most grandfathers, I’ve learned that grandchildren are the most exciting thing to happen to me since I first qualified for Denny’s Senior Specials. Our granddaughters are wonderful, and they will always be wonderful — unless one of them does something really foolish, like becoming engaged to a boy named Snake Puppy whose career goal is to be a professional dog walker. Or worse, if another has a starring role in the spring-break version of Girls Gone Wild. But for now, they are perfect. And I assume that they see me the same way.

But recently I learned that this wasn't the case when I overheard my granddaughters grousing among themselves. My world was rocked; I hadn’t felt so betrayed since that whole J. Edgar Hoover/lingerie thing. Following are a few universal gripes that grandchildren have about their grandparents. And because you’ve had to tighten your Sansabelt since your pension administrator hightailed it to the Cayman Islands, any advice I offer is free.

1. Grandpa smells funny
Well, duh! Of course we smell funny. Five decades of stuffing our suddenly sagging and stubbly cheeks with onion dip, sauerkraut, and garlic balls will leave a certain robust aroma that’s hard to deny. Or appreciate. And remember that a young child’s nose is not yet mature enough to value such odors. If you doubt this, try to recall the last time your grandson said, “Hey, Grandpa, can we have liver and onions again?” Or “Grandma, could you please pass the horseradish?” Now, if you factor in that pair of gamey walking shoes you’ve worn every day since you bought them at a neighbor’s yard sale, you’ll understand what the young’uns are talking about.

2. Grandma’s lipstick kisses
Kids don’t want lipstick — or anything — smeared on their faces unless it's Halloween or they've joined a punk band.

3. Grandma and Grandpa always talk about the “old days”
You’re hosed on this one. To any grandchild younger than 13, the “old days” are any time pre-Hannah Montana and text messaging. In fact, if you ever talked about your real “old days,” your grandchildren will try to hide your gingko biloba.

4. There’s nothing exciting going on at Grandma’s house
This is not a news flash to you, because you live there. If your grandchildren want excitement, they should go visit their other grandfather… the 60-year-old poseur with fake hair, capped teeth, and a 28-year-old trophy wife who works at Hooters. Now that I think about it, drive them over there yourself! And to really prove your point, finagle yourself an invitation for swimming, dinner, and cocktails. That’ll show ’em!

5. Grandma and Grandpa hug and kiss me too much
Sorry, kids. Get over it, because we’re not stopping. In fact, this offers a perfect opportunity for grandparents to teach grandchildren a valuable life lesson: While some things may be unpleasant, they are unavoidable… like grandparent affection, death, taxes, and Nicolas Cage movies.

Well, that’s it for now. Gotta go, because the wife is taking me shopping. Something about my needing new walking shoes.