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Hi everyone,
I'm hoping someone on this site can give me some advice. I am not a grandmother, but am having problems with one. I have three children with my husband. My in-laws are heavily involved in their lives, which is great. I love them and they love my kids dearly. They are very important to them. My problem is that they are very controlling people, (have been since day 1). They completely disregard myself and my husband (their son) as the childrens' parents. They do what they want and when they want without even talking with us about it first. It really hasn't been a big deal so far because I know that they love them and their intentions are good. However, recently I have learned from the kids that my mother in law has been saying some very mean things to them about me. I don't expect her to love me like a daughter but I do expect her to keep her not so nice thoughts about me to herself. I am angry and very hurt that she would put the kids in that position and that despite her sweet and loving ways to my face, she obviously feels differently. I really have gone out of my way to let her know how much I care. For Mother's Day, I was the only one who did something for her, (her own sons, and other daughter in law didn't even call). Now the kids have reservations about going over there. Every time they go, they say that she has something negative to say about me and they don't like hearing it. I don't know what to do. I have not said anything to her, and I refuse to hurt my children by trashing her, I don't want to cause more damage than has already been done. I thought maybe as grandparents out there, someone could give me some insight.
I really need some advice
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tp551
07/05/08 @ 12:07 PM
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You need to confront this woman! Shame on her. Let her know that the kids have become uncomfortable with some of the things that have been said and are reluctant to be with her. You know how much she loves them and they her and don't want anything to disrupt that but you won't make them visit if they don't want to. Perhaps there has been some miscommunication has occurred but it needs to be cleared up by her if that is the case. Be concerned and firm and see if she takes the hint. Good Luck.
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nanabr
07/05/08 @ 05:36 PM
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Thank you for responding, I did try to talk to her about it and just as I thought she accused me of overreacting and of twisting the word of the kids. I really don't want to have to have them come and tell me in front of her what they said. The sad thing is that I love her. My mom lives out of state and while I talk with her often, my mother in law has become my mother figure. I am trying to be the bigger/better person and just let it go. It is difficult when she blames me for the kids not wanting to go over. I am really alone on this deal, my husband doesn't want to deal with this.
I really do appreciate your words, it feels good to know that what she is doing is wrong.
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tp551
07/06/08 @ 12:35 PM
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If what you have related is even remotely accurate, your husband is a chicken...... This is HIS responsibility!
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srhcb
07/06/08 @ 09:12 PM
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I appreciate all the responses. Yes, this is incredibly accurate. In fact, there is so much more that I haven't talked about because, frankly, it would be too much to write down. My husband's attitude is strange. We are so different. He and his brother were not raised to be loving or sympathetic. I don't think in the 17 years that we have been together that I have heard them tell him once that they love him or are proud of him. It's pretty sad. His attitude now is just that he doesn't care. What they say about him or I doesn't bother him because he just doesn't care what they think and feels it shouldn't bother me either. He deals with them by just shutting them out, in one ear and out the other. He has gotten physical with his dad several times int he past, most of it was because of me, standing up for me. I don't want that and I don't want to separate. I think my course of action is just let it go, don't force the kids to go over (which I don't) and if they hate me. Oh well.
Thanks everyone!!
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tp551
07/07/08 @ 10:15 AM
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Well, like they say, you can choose your friends but you're stuck with your relatives. You have my sympathy and best wishes.
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srhcb
07/09/08 @ 09:28 PM
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I don't know how old your children are but I would tell them that while it isn't nice that grandma talks like that about you, it is just her words and doesn't mean it is true. I would tell them that it is ok if they tell their grandma that they don't want to hear it, that you are their mom and that they love you and it hurts them to hear that kind of talk about you. If she realizes that she is hurting her grandchildren, she may keep her opinions to herself when she is there. If not, let them stay away from her if they aren't comfortable. If she calls and asks for them to come over, tell them that they aren't comfortable with her talk and that they are choose not to go over as much. Don't appoligize or make excuses for them, let her know it is her behavior that is keeping her grandchildren from wanting to be around her, that should do it... if not, there isn't much you can do other then tell them to ignore it and if they are uncomfortable they can call you to come home.
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GrandmaShari
07/11/08 @ 07:58 PM
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Thanks for the advice
I actually have done exactly that, except that I have not confronted her. I am a very, shall we say, emotional person and can be spiteful too. I know a lot of things about her that 1: she doesn't know I know, and 2: she wouldn't want anyone else to know. I am pretty sure that if we get into it, I am going to do and say alot of things that I will probably regret later on down the road. My kids are 14, 11 and 9. They used to go over there ever weekend, and since this has all started, they have only been over there maybe 2 times. I think she is getting the message. The kids say she hasn't said anything bad about me at all. I did tell them that they didn't have to listen and they didn't have to take it. If it was bothering them they could call me or their dad and one of us would come and get them right away. I feel like it will get better, but I am sad to say that I do not feel the same way about her that I used to. When we first met, she was very conniving, and manipulating. She did a lot of things to me and her son (then boyfriend) that a lot of people would say were unforgiveable. But I was raised that family is more important than anything, and you respect your elders no matter what. Now it appears as if she hasn't changed a bit, after 17 yrs. she is still as conniving and manipulating. I have to make some pretty tough decisions, either I let it go and get over it, or I move on. My husband really doesn't support me on this issue, he feels its just not that big of a deal. He is not really that close to them, and just doesn't care what they say or think so feels I shouldn't either. He has gotten into many physical fights with his dad on my behalf, so it's not like he doesn't stick up for me. He just doesn't think this is a big issue. He just tunes them out. I think he should be taking care of this, they are hurting me and his children and he should do something about it. He told me once when i was having a bad day dealing with this, that not to worry, they would get theirs. That was a month ago and nothing has been said or done to them. I don't know, I love my husband and I want to remain a family. Is what she's doing and my anger, bitterness with my MIL worth losing 17 years of my life, and separting our family. Sometimes I just want out, but then I think about what happens after that. Weekends with their day, christmas here thanksgiving there. Not to mention, they will really be my enemies then. I really don't want to do that. i think, the right answer is to let it go, move on and let the Good Lord take care of it his way. What do you all think?
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tp551
07/12/08 @ 12:15 PM
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I am a grandmother and I live with a similar situation - only in reverse. My daughters fiancee and I DO NOT see eye to eye about very much of anything. However, I never say anything bad about him to my grandson. Recently, my grandson came to spend the night and was crying because of some unkept promises. This is NOT the first time. I think I said I bit too much in my anger but it is too late to take it back. It just hurt me to see him so hurt. Dont take this the wrong way but check YOUR relationship with YOUR children and perhaps they may have said something to give Grandma a similar anger. Adter all, we DONT know what goes on in your house unless your kids TELL us. Now, I just tell him - I dont want to know. Think if something may have happened recently that would cause her to say anything. Maybe you need to clear that up with the kids first!
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jad1406
07/13/08 @ 08:19 PM
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Thanks, and don't worry, not taken the wrong way. I have talked with them about this and their are 2 factors. 1: sometimes when the kids go over, they are hungry when they get there, but they are always hungry. There's been plenty of times when my oldest has spent the entire day with them getting home at 8 or 9 p.m. and the first thing out of his mouth is that he is starving. Sometimes if they have to be over there by a certain time and we don't have time to have lunch or whatever I'll let them eat over there. That's the only issue that I could see where she would question. The second factor is that my oldest son is very spoiled by them, more than the other 2. and any time he wants something even if we've said no he goes to them and they get it for him. They never ask us, if it's okay. I have had talks with my son to let him know that he is putting us in a bad position with them when he does that. We don't have the luxury of being able to buy whatever the kids want, even if we did, sometimes they don't deserve it.(if they're in trouble) ;
My other problem is that she still lives in the days where the woman takes care of everything, cleaning, cooking, laundry, everything involving the kids. I try to do all of that. I and my husband both work full time. On his days off he does that stuff. I do it all the other times, even when I work full time. I don't mind, I love my family. Here's an example, on Wednesdays our kids have Karate. My husband is usually off so it is his job (we have agreed) that he gets the kids ready, make sure they have all their clothes, water, equipment etc.
I get home probably 30 mins. before we leave for karate. (his mom knows all of this by the way.) most of the time he does not have things together and they end up going with something missing, karated jacket, belt etc. Guess who she blames for them not having their things together? Yep! you guessed it , Me. I can't win for losing.
I know that I am not an angel, but I have bent over backwards trying to keep the peace with this woman, (even after the horrible things she has done to me in the past) I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I snap and we begin World War 3
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tp551
07/14/08 @ 01:10 PM
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Your husband is a chicken, I agree. You need to tell him his loyalty is to you and your kids. If it was me, and my husband didn't man-up, I'd absent myself from a couple extended family gatherings on your husband's side. No reason for you to be where you're not welcome. As for the kids' relationship with the grandparents, I am a grandparent, and if I behaved that way, I would hope one of my children would tell me to knock it off or I wasn't going to see the grandchildren. I think if your husband won't man up, the when and where of the kids and the grandparents is his problem. But I'm told I'm mean. ;-) You don't owe your in-laws, except should they need food, clothing or shelter. It doesn't have to be your shelter, and it doesn't have to be designer food, clothing and shelter while you're in rags, eating beans and living in substandard housing.
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DualRoleGran
07/19/08 @ 07:40 PM
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You sound like a mother-in-law's dream daughter-in-law. You have the reverse problem to me. I will say a prayer for you honey. Hang in there. Right always prevails over wrong. When your kids grow up, they will remember who was the better person.
Take Care,
Elaine
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mimi4548
07/19/08 @ 08:03 PM
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Thanks for all the responses,
I really appreciate all of your responses. I was feeling pretty alone, dealing with this, or feeling like I was over reacting, but I feel much better knowing that She is wrong. Right now they are out of town, but when they get back, I plan to have my turn setting her straight. We'll see what happens.
I would like to tell you all that yes, I agree my husband should be doing this, but he's not always just turning his head. Over the last 17 years, he has had many physical altercations with his father on my behalf. He does stick up for me all the time, even to his mom. This issue, he just doesn't feel like it's a big deal. He absolutely doesn't care what they think or say about him and feels like it shouldn't bother me either. Honestly, I dont' think I would be as bothered if it wasn't for her saying things to the kids. That's what I am trying to get through to him. "Yeah, who cares what she says about us, but she is saying it to our kids."
My kids know what the deal is, they know I am great mom, and tell me all the time. She is digging her own grave.
Thanks again everyone!!!
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tp551
07/20/08 @ 12:05 PM
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12
